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Sunday, August 28, 2005

I feel like a (sad) seattle-ite.

When will the transition be over? That's my first question. This weekend was filled with so many "greats": a BBQ at Josh and Brenda's, white chocolate americanos at Zoka's, email time, a rad concert last night, church for the first time since I left SC, Sunday night potluck at Nick and Carina's tonite, runs around Greenlake, getting lost in the city, a Target and grocery store run, a fab convo over green tea with Mel...and in the midst of all those, I felt like a true Seattle-ite for the first time last night and then again tonite. First, the SHIM concert last night was AWESOME...I felt like I was back in the garage band days of Keizer, OR 97303, with the best of in northwest alternative at my listening fingertips. Held at the Liquid Lounge in Seattle's EMP, it was an epic location...and I was like, ooh, I'm in the grunge capital of the world. I'm back to my roots. I love it. Then tonite, upon chilling at Nick and Carina's, catching up with old friends and making connections with new, the rain came...my first Seattle rain. My first thought? Dear God...it's August, and it's raining. But it was beautiful. And I (again) felt like a Seattle-ite.

But that's where the "but" comes in: I still have a hard time being a Seattle-ite. I love it...and I hate it. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times. I don't want to have to put myself out there...I want to be where I'm comfortable and I walk into the Cheers' bar and everybody knows my name. I don't want to get lost three times in one day, just to have to get to know the streets. I want to be on top of it...I want to know my job...I want to have a plethora of kids and leaders to just love on and meet with so can fulfill my relational "duties"...I want to feel important and useful...but in the midst of all these "wants," I realize that unless I'm forced out of my comfort zone and stripped of all these secondary things I deem necessary, I'm going to stay stagnant and complacent. I'm not going to grow...and I need to grow.

So the biggest lesson I'm learning is simply that I need to BE instead of DO. And my life in Santa Cruz, though significant to my heart and growth, was a lot about doing. So that's why Seattle is a good thing because it's forcing me to BE...at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself. That's all I've got right now...but it's okay...it's good...I'm letting myself feel and be given grace...

3 comments:

Gibbytron said...

Indeed, growth is good. Do, not be. We are on the same page, you have no idea! Thanks for the wise words, friend!

-B

Dan said...

How do we prevent going back to "do" after we become comfortable in new surroundings, people then know you, so you aren't alone, you know the streets so you aren't getting lost anymore etc. and then the cycle begins again?

caramac said...

Gibby: Growth is scary, but it's good.
Dan: I'm speaking your language. How DO we not return to a state of complacency? What's the difference between being comfortable and complacent...to come to a place where we're stretched and on our toes, as to not get into the rut and routine, and continue to simply learn to BE before Jesus. Teach me. Show me.