Being proactive in friendships is a weird thing, and I'm not really sure what to make of it. Last week, I met with a wise lady who feeds my soul wisdom, and she cautioned me to not always be the one asking. It's easy for me - and be it because of my job (and all its asking...), because of my networking nature, or because I want and love to build community around me - to simply be "the asker" in all of my relationships. Whether male or female, if "friend" A is always doing the asking, then a few things can happen: "A" can become the sole asker and initiator, and "B" becomes reliant upon that role; "A" asks, "B" doesn't reciprocate, "A" doesn't get the picture, and thus wrong feelings can be communicated; the list of "asker" problems goes on...
I feel like I'm in the middle of a sticky Algebra problem right now.
So whether I'm right or wrong in asking, there exists the delicate balance of friendship. With a kid, it's different - I know going into it that I'm going to be the asker, and until they intitiate with that phone call, the ball's in my court to let them know that I'm here and that I want to be in their life. With peers I have to ask the question: in relationships, in friendships, in getting to know people, where and when do I eventually stop asking? Is three the magic number? Ask three times, and if they don't reciprocate, then don't you dare, try try again... With the opposite sex it's even more tricky, and I ran into that this past week: I didn't MEAN to send ill "I like you" signals, yet because of my proactiveness in our friendship, that was communicated.
So is it simply that I don't want to be alone? Is that it? In still feeling that the sharp numbing pains of settling into life up here, I've put myself out there in friendship more than ever; perhaps I've tried to create community too hard, and now it's coming back to bite me in the butt, BUT I firmly believe that we're meant to live life side by side with people.
Without making apologies, I guess I just don't know where to draw the line. I don't know where my own personality meets what I'm finding out are the rules and regulations of friendships. I hate the lines that have to be drawn. But do they exist, or have to exist? As much as I want to be understood, more importantly (as St. Francis of Assisi once prayed), I want to understand. So whether that's with other people, or just of life in general, the answer my heart comes to at this moment is that it'd rather put itself out there, even if it's not understood, in order to love someone else and try to understand them.