living. loving. laughing.

living.  loving.  laughing.

Monday, November 19, 2007

fear. intimidation.

I don't think that confidence is a mask I wear - although sometimes my lack of confidence and the little nagging voices in my head seem and start to eat away at that which stays. So there remains this part of me that's sometimes big and sometimes little, but that doesn't all the way believe in who she is. And it pops up in different areas of my life - tonite I saw it with some high school kids around a campfire, because I realized that they didn't know and understand who I was yet, so my reaction was to apologize for this "kindof weird girl." Yet I know that the "kindof weird girl" who's wholly herself is the charismatic person people are attracted to...but I couldn't grasp that and hold onto it tonite.

Tonite, like the high school persona emphasis on Grey's Anatomy last week, I just wanted to crawl into my chamelion self and be who these kids would -supposedly- like me to be. Who they'd be a fan of. Who wouldn't be too weird or too loud or too ... the list goes on ["too" tends to be a plague of women]. So as my insides seem to feel on a roller coaster of emotions, I just want to "get" them and understand my own heart in the midst of it. And like a talk that I'd give to my middle school friends about identity, I want my identity to not be in WHO I am, but in WHOSE I am.

Because the truth is that I love Jesus.

And I want what He thinks of me to be more important than what THEY think of me.

So why do I still get so caught up in it?